Lost: Behind the Music
by estrafalaria103
Summary: Yunjin gets a new shirt, Daniel learns some Korean, and the Marshall searches for a stunt double. Learn what goes on BEHIND the scenes of a Lost episode.
1. Chapter 1

**_Completely random idea I had in the shower, just showing the Behind the Scenes of the shooting, to parody the show, highlight how certain things came to be, etc. etc. If I stay motivated, I'll do an episode by episode chapter. If not, I'll keep working on the half a dozen other stories I've already got going. Just wanted something really light to take my mind off the horrors. . .the horrors. . ._**

**_I heard someone else might die this season. That scares me. Just a rumor my friends, completely unfounded, but I will cry if it is so. Unless they kill off Steve. Or Scott. Whichever one is still alive. That would just be funny._**

JJ: Okay, so I hear you've got this great idea for a show.

DAMEON: Oh yeah, it's frickin' sweat. See, there's this plane crash

JJ: Uh-uh, too 9-11.

DAMEON: Okay, it's an international plane.

JJ: Hmm. . .I am intrigued, continue.

DAMEON: So we've got this international plane and it crashes on an island.

JJ: Uh-uh, too Gilligan's Island.

DAMEON: But there's a monster on the island.

JJ: Now you're really pushing it, buddy.

DAMEON: But all the people are really, really good-looking.

JJ: Right. So it's a Gilligan's Island/Survivor/Stephen King sort of thing?

DAMEON: Right. But also. . .all of the really good-looking people have weird backstories.

JJ: Weird? How do you mean weird?

DAMEON: Well, let's see. Like. . .there'll be this hot chick.

JJ: I like hot chicks. Is she tough?

DAMEON: Very tough.

JJ: How tough?

DAMEON: You know your little Sidney girl?

JJ: I like Sidney. She gets good ratings.

DAMEON: She's got nothing. This girl's a fugitive, run from the law.

JJ: What's her crime?

DAMEON: Don't know, haven't figured it out yet.

JJ: All right, I like it, let's start casting.

DAMEON: Dude, how do we start casting, we don't even have a script?

JJ: When JJ says casting, it happens, okay?

DAMEON: Yeah, but. . .how are we going to get actors when we don't even have a plot?

JJ: Clearly you haven't been in this business long enough. Trust me.

A dressing room in downtown LA 

Harold: I'm in a play!

MAKE-UP ARTIST: Yes you are. Now hold still. . .

HAROLD: Hey. I'm a man in a play. I don't wear make-up.

ACTRESS: Hey, check this out.

HAROLD: Is it make-up?

ACTRESS: No. _Holds up a newspaper_. JJ Abrams is making a new show.

HAROLD: Huh. What's it about.

ACTRESS: Doesn't say. Casting starts tomorrow.

HAROLD: I'm going to be on TV!

A small apartment in LA 

JOSH: Honey, I'm home!

YESSICA: Don't pull the whole Ricky Ricardo thing. It doesn't suit you.

JOSH: Darling, it's finally happened! My big break!

YESSICA: Ei! You finally got a part?

JOSH: Better! I got my real estate license!

YESSICA: Oh.

JOSH: What do you mean, oh? This is great.

YESSICA: Yeah. . .

JOSH: What's wrong, snookums?

YESSICA: It's just. . .I thought I married an actor. If you're not an actor. . .

JOSH: Wait. . .are you breaking up with me?

YESSICA: Well. . .actors are sexy. Real estate brokers. . .

JOSH: Aw, hell, you're kidding me!

YESSICA: Well. . .

JOSH: I've been at this shit for years! It don't work! Nobody wants me!

YESSICA: That Gap commercial wanted you!

JOSH: Look. One more audition. But that's it, I'm done. And I get to sell my houses.

Canada 

EVIE: I'm Canadian!

London 

DOM: But I don't want to be a pixie!

AGENT: Well, what about this. . .they want you to be a fairy!

DOM: I don't want to be a fairy!

AGENT: How about a dwarf? A munchkin? A leprechaun?

DOM: For crying out loud. Once a hobbit, always a hobbit.

AGENT: What do you want out of me? People think of you as a hobbit!

DOM: Well what about this new show? Lost?

AGENT: I wouldn't trust it.

DOM: Why not?

AGENT: Well. . .I hear there's a monster. Which means there might be pixies.

LA again, casting studio 

DAMEON: So, wait, let me get this right. We don't have a script.

JJ: Nope

DAMEON: We only have three sides for them to read.

JJ: Yup.

DAMEON: And we've only got six out of fourteen characters developed.

JJ: Got it.

DAMEON: So how the hell are we supposed to cast?

JJ: Ride with me on this one. Who's the first on the list?

DAMEON: Um. . .Kevin Costner? What the hell? Kevin Costner?

JJ: Oh, yeah, we're gonna make him the doctor, and he's going to die in the first act.

DAMEON: Doctor? We don't have a doctor.

JJ: We do now. Who's next?

DAMEON: Urm. . .Harold Perrinau.

JJ: Hey, isn't he in that play?

DAMEON: Send him in.

LADY: Yessir.

HAROLD: I'm in a play!

JJ: I like him. Cast him.

DAMEON: As what? The doctor you just invented? The sexy fugitive? The polished Buffalo conman? The pregnant Australian? The washed-up 40 year old rocker? The creepy kid? No, I've got it, let's cast him as the dog!

JJ: Don't we have another character?

DAMEON: Um. . .asshole in a red shirt?

JJ: Nah. We'll just make him the creepy kids dad.

HAROLD: Do I have a part?

JJ: Yup. We'll write it in.

HAROLD: I'm on TV!

JJ: Alright, Dameon, who's next up?

DAMEON: Matthew Fox.

JJ: Back to the Future?

DAMEON: Party of Five.

In the hallway 

HAROLD: I got a part!

JOSH: Wow, that's crazy. They ain't even listened to most of us.

FOXY: He's in a play.

JOSH: Whoa, he's that guy? He's that guy!

FOXY: Yup.

JOSH: Wait a minute. . .you're famous, too!

FOXY: Not really famous, per se. . .

JOSH: I'm just like the water guy around here!

LADY: Mr. Fox, you're next up. And could you _Points at Josh_ get us all some water?

DAMEON: So who are you ready for?

FOXY: Um. . ._Looks at script_ Sawyer.

JJ: Great. Polished, Buffalo-bred conman.

FOXY: I think I'd make a better doctor.

JJ: Costner's our doctor.

FOXY: Wow, he's great!

JJ: Don't I know it.

DAMEON: Could you just read?

FOXY: Mom killed me dad, raised by my uncle. . .pass me the scalpel, dammit!

JJ: Wow, you do make a good doctor.

FOXY: Thanks.

DAMEON: Those weren't the lines.

JJ: Wait, try another doctor-y line.

FOXY: Kay, lemme think. . .um. . .I need more antihistemine, stat!

JJ: Wow, gives me shivers.

DAMEON: Can we focus here?

JJ: You're hired.

FOXY: All right!

DAMEON: Who's he going to play?

JJ: The doctor.

DAMEON: I thought Kevin Costner was the doctor!

JJ: Next!

JOSH: So, should I just start reading?

DAMEON: Shoot.

JOSH: Pa killed

JJ: Buffalo accent! Buffalo!

JOSH: Where the hell's Buffalo?

DAMEON: Just. . .keep reading.

JOSH: Ma killed my pa. . .dammit, pa killed my ma and. . .I. . .fuckin' hell! _Kicks a chair_.

JJ: Wow.

DAMEON: I'll say.

JJ: Amazing.

DAMEON: No kidding. He couldn't remember one line!

JJ: You're hired.

JOSH: Really?

JJ: Yeah, you're perfect!

DAMEON: What. . .what's he going to play!

JJ: Sawyer.

DAMEON: He can't play Sawyer! Sawyer's a smooth-talking urbanite!

JJ: Well, now he's a chair-kicking redneck. NEXT!

Day Two of Auditions 

JORGE: Hey, I'm Jorge.

IAN: Ian.

JORGE: Weren't you in a movie?

IAN: I've been in my share.

JORGE: Aren't you always the creepy hot guy?

IAN: Aren't you always the fat guy?

JORGE: Yeah. . .

EVIE: Hi, boys! Is this the audition line!

IAN: She's sooo mine.

JORGE: As if I'd had a chance.

EVIE: Oh, how cute! American chairs!

IAN: Yeah. . .

LADY: Mr. Garcia. . .you're up.

JORGE: Wish me luck.

IAN: Yeah, bitch.

DAMEON: Here. You're going to read for Sawyer.

JORGE: The smooth-talking Buffalo conman?

JJ: No, the redneck.

JORGE: Huh?

DAMEON: Ignore him. Just read.

JORGE: Hey. . .you all better be nice to me. . .or else. . .yeah. . .or else.

JJ: _cracking up_. Oh my freakin' God that was hilarious!

DAMEON: Hilariously bad. Thank you for your time.

JORGE: Wait! I can be more mean! Lemme try again. . .yeah, I know what I'm doing. Yeah.

JJ: You're killing me, you're killing me!

JORGE: Dude. . .is that a good thing?

DAMEON: No.

JJ: You've got yourself a job!

JORGE: Sweet! _Walks outside_. Hey, Ian, I think I got it!

IAN: See you in Hawaii, bitch.

Day Three 

YUNJIN: Hello. I would like to read for the part of Kate Austen.

DAMEON: Yeah. . .just one problem. . .

JJ: Go ahead.

DAMEON: Kate's American, and you

YUNJIN: _Reading from the script_ Hi.

DAMEON: have a distinctly

YUNJIN: I sewed the drapes in my house. . .

DAMEON: Korean accent.

JJ: Dams, my man, it's perfect!

DAMEON: What's perfect?

JJ: We'll have a Korean couple!

DAMEON: What?

JJ: It's an international flight, right? Why not have Koreans? Do you speak Korean?

YUNJIN: Yes. I am from Kor—

JJ: Perfect! You've got yourself a gig!

YUNJIN: Yippee.

JJ: Quick, we need to find a guy who speaks Korean. _Looking out the window, sees Daniel Dae Kim shooting for Law and Order. _Hey! Do you speak Korean!

DAN: Not well!

JJ: Perfect! We've found you a job!

Day Four 

DOM: So here's the deal. I don't want to be a hobbit.

JJ: We'd never make you a hobbit. Here, read these sides.

DOM: _reading_. Sawyer, a smooth-talking

JJ: Ignore that. He's a redneck.

DOM: Huh?

DAMEON: Ignore him. Just read.

DOM: Right, okay. _Reading_ Hey, asshole_. Aside_ Now really, is that kind of language necessary?

DAMEON: What do you think, JJ?

JJ: I don't really like him.

DAMEON: Yeah, but it would be nice to have a famous face.

JJ: We have a famous face. We have Kevin, remember?

DAMEON: You got rid of him for Foxy, remember?

JJ: Oh yeah. Well, he's kind of famous.

DAMEON: Emphasis on kind of.

JJ: And we've got Harold. He was in a play.

DAMEON: That's true.

JJ: And Yunjin is famous in another country.

DAMEON: You're not helping your cause.

DOM: If you need someone famous, I was in a movie. Three, actually.

JJ: Can you play guitar?

DOM: No, but this guy outside who was getting water said he's a guitarist. Think his name was Josh.

JJ: So you don't play guitar?

DOM: Not a lick.

DAMEON: You've got a job. _As Dom skips out he turns to JJ_. Lemme guess. He's going to be the rocker?


	2. PreShow

DAMON: Okay, so we've got the casting down. What next?

JJ: Let's get a plane.

DAMON: And how are we going to do that?

JJ: From an elephant graveyard. I dunno. What do they do with massive oceanic flights when they're done?

DAMON: You mean international.

JJ: I mean Oceanic. That's our flight. What do you think?

DAMON: Okay, fine, sounds good. You take care of getting that plane, and I'll take care of pitching it to the execs.

The pitching room 

ABC MAN: So you're telling me that you're doing a modern day Gilligan's island?

DAMON: No. Absolutely not.

JJ: Kind of. With monsters. And undercover passengers. And a psychic kid.

ABC MAN: Uh-huh. Who's going to play Mary Ann?

JJ: Girl by the name of Evangeline Lily. Cute girl. Sexy as hell.

DAMON: It's nothing like Gilligan's Island.

ABC MAN: Got a skipper? Millionaires? A professor? A Gilligan?

JJ: Yup. We've got a doctor, a pair of spoiled rich kids, a creepy box man, and. . .huh. How 'bout that. We don't really have a Gilligan?

ABC MAN: That's okay. Nobody like him anyway.

DAMON: So you like our show?

ABC MAN: Kind of. But our slot's full for the fall. Can you make it a miniseries?

JJ: Sure, no problem.

DAMON: What?

ABC MAN: Even better. Make it a two hour movie.

JJ: Consider it done

_JJ and Damon walk out of the pitching room._

DAMON: Are you serious? We're going to make a movie? We can't fit all our ideas into a movie!

JJ: Relax, bro. We tell them we make a movie, we film the pilot, and they're so hooked they're dying to know what happens next and they sign the show. Piece of cake.

DAMON: I am going to be the biggest joke at my parents' holiday party.

_Meanwhile, in Canada. . ._

EVIE: Yes, I'm going to be in this show.

CUSTOMS: Who's JJ Abrams?

EVIE: No idea. But I get to be on tv!

CUSTOMS: Why the hell do they need you?

EVIE: They said I'm perfect for the part, eh!

CUSTOMS: Why can't they use an American actress?

EVIE: Because the character is from Iowa.

CUSTOMS: That's _in_ America, sweetheart.

EVIE: Huh. I figured it was somewhere in the Yukon.

CUSTOMS: So in conclusion. . .we're not going to give you a visa.

EVIE: What? Why not?

CUSTOMS: No need. They can get an American to play the role.

EVIE: But I'm perfect! I'm one sit-up away from the perfect body!

CUSTOMS: And we're talking America. Every third woman is an actress.

EVIE: How do you know?

CUSTOMS: Trying watching 19 year olds sneak booze across the border. Trust me. They can act.

In Hawaii 

JJ: All right, people, let's make this work!

DAMON: How are we going to make it work? We don't have our lead actress.

JJ: We don't? Hey. He's right over there. _Points at Foxy_.

DAMON: Actress! Actress! Female! Kate! She's the lead! The doctor dies, remember?

JJ: Oh, yeah, about that. What about. . .if the doctor lived?

DAMON: Are you kidding me? That was going to be the amazing twist. The main character dies in the first episode. It was going to make history!

JJ: Yeah. . .here's the problem. I handed out the script to some people to read, and. . .

DAMON: Your mom didn't like it.

JJ: Here, listen to the voicemail. _Hands Damon a phone._

JJs MOM: _On the phone_. You can't kill the doctor! I just spent an hour falling in love with the doctor! I've imagined him and me in a dozen scandalous sex positions! He convinced me to get out the Kama Sutra again! You can't kill him! I'll never have another orgasm!

DAMON: _winces and hands the phone back_. I'm sorry, man.

JJ: Tell me about it. So now the doctor lives.

DAMON: So we don't really need Kate?

JJ: Nope. Not really.

DAMON: Well. Then I guess we can start shooting whenever.

_Terry comes stomping over, a copy of the script in his hand._

TERRY: You kicked me off Alias for this?

JJ: Terry, my man, how good to see you again!

TERRY: I don't have a single line!

JJ: What are you talking about? Yes you do! _Shuffles through the script and finds the line reading: John Locke smiles with an orange in his mouth_. See?

TERRY: That's not a line! That's a direction! People are going to think I'm creepy!

JJ: Of course not. They're going to think you have a beautiful smile.

DAMON: Fresh as oranges.

TERRY: This is weird, JJ.

JJ: I know.

TERRY: You're sure my character's going to be big.

DAMON: Definitely.

JJ: Bigger than Claire's belly.

DAMON: Bigger than Hurley.

JJ: Bigger than the love triangle between Michael, Jin, and Sun.

DAMON: That's not the love triangle.

JJ: Yes it is.

DAMON: No. It's between Jack, Sawyer, and Kate.

JJ: We don't have a Kate anymore.  
DAMON: Yes we do, she's just not here yet.

JJ: We can't have a love triangle between Jack and Sawyer.

DAMON: What?

JJ: Though it does have possibilities. . .

TERRY: I'll do it!

DAMON: This is going to be a disaster. . .

_Meanwhile, on a plane. . ._

EVIE: Thank goodness I finally got a flight. I just hope they don't start filming without me.

_Back on Hawaii._

JJ: And. . .action!


	3. Pilot 1

For the sake of me writing this, be aware that JJ and Damon (with maybe a little Carlton) are going to be the directors. I know that they're not there all the time (JJ probably rarely is at all) but it's too hard to change directors for everyone episode. So. Without further adieu. . .

FOXY: So it's going to just begin with me yelling as I lie on the ground.

DAMON: You're got it.

FOXY: Okay. _Lies down on dirt_.

JJ: I don't know. . .that's seems like a kind of obvious beginning.

DAMON: Well, do you have a better idea?

JJ: Sure! Let's have it start with the plane crashing.

DAMON: We don't exactly have a movie budget here.

JJ: We'll let a computer do the work for us.

DAMON: You know what. . .no. My idea is good. We'll start with screaming Jack.

JJ: Fine. Whatever. We'll ignore the fact that I'm famous, and you're more well-known for your stupid glasses than any brilliance.

DAMON: Action!

FOXY: _Lies on the ground, asleep. Cameraman zooms in._

DAMON: _Annoyed_. I said Action!

FOXY: _Gasps and wakes up. The cameraman claps his hands in glee._

DAMON: Well. . .that wasn't what I was looking for, but we'll go for it. Let's get down to the beach and shoot with the fuselage. Are all the red shirts ready?

JJ: Yeah, just one problem. . .

DAMON: What's that?

JJ: I thought they were just extras. I don't think any of them are wearing red shirts.

DAMON: And people think that you're the brilliant one. Okay, fine. Where are my leads? Charlie, where's Charlie!

DOM: _Raises his hand, yawning sleepily_.

DAMON: Good. I want you running dramatically through the wreckage.

_As we all know, Dom only manages to wander around in a confused, half-awake state._

DAMON: Good. Let's get the shot where Claire is running away.

EMILE: Oh, God. . .I've got to get away. . ._Suddenly she grabs her belly, as her prosthetic pregnancy begins to slip. _Help! Somebody please help me! Somebody help!

FOXY: _Continues doing his lines, not noticing that Emile is quickly becoming unpregnant. _Okay, get him out of here. Get him away from the wreckage.

IAN: _Standing around and bored. _This is a pretty cool set. _Notices Rose on the ground_. They even have some pretty good dead bodies. I'd almost believe they're alive. _Rose twitches. _Oh my God! She's alive! _Runs over and begins to give her CPR._

DAMON: Cut, cut, cut! Ian, what are you doing?

ROSE: Yeah, boy, whatchoo doin'?

IAN: Sorry. I thought. . .

JJ: Great shot! We're keeping it!

DAMON: What does that shot have to do with anything? I mean, his character is a CEO of a company. How does he know CPR?

IAN: Oh, I used to be a lifeguard.

JJ: See? It's brilliant! Action!

EVIE: _wanders up_. Hi guys, sorry I'm late Customs in America are tough, let me tell you.

JJ: Hey look! We have our star! Let's shoot her in a scene! Let's put her in an airplane!

EVIE: Um. . .I don't know. . .that airplane doesn't look like it's going anywhere any time soon. . .

_On the Airplane stage_

STUNTSMAN: Okay, so we don't actually have a way to make the stage move. . .

EVIE: Why would the stage have to move? Can I get a script here?

STUNTSMAN: So instead, I'm going to raise my hand, and whenever I raise it, you guys have to all lean to that side.

JOSH: Like bobsledding!

STUNTSMAN: Um. . .yes. And our camerman. . .

CAMERMAN: Hi!

STUNTSMAN: Will move the camera around a lot. And it will look like the plane is moving.

DOM: Hey, should we jiggle, too?

STUNTSMAN: Excuse me?

DOM: You know. . ._starts moving like he's having a seizure_. . .like that. . .to make it more like turbulence?

STUNTSMAN: Sure. You do that.

JOSH: Hey, why am I here? The camera's not going to see my seat from that angle.

JORGE: Yeah, dude, and this seat is major uncomfortable.

STUNSTMAN: Okay, you guys can leave.

JORGE: Sweet.

JOSH: Do we still get paid?

STUNTSMAN: Alright, let's try this out. Ready. . .go! _Raises left hand. Everybody shifts to the left except for Maggie. _Maggie! Come on!

MAGGIE: Hello. I get by on good looks. I don't have any talent.

STUNTSMAN: This isn't about talent, it's about knowing your right from your left. All right, people, let's get this shot!

In the jungle 

DAMON: Okay, now we're going to shoot the Jack and Kate scene. The dialogue's kind of insipid, guys, but try to make lots of underlying tension. Remember, you two are going to be the love interest.

EVIE: Are you sure? That short blond guy looks more my type.

DAMON: He's a junkie.

EVIE: Really?

DAMON: Yes. And a rock star. Bad voice. Trust me, you want Doctor Jack. He's hot.

EVIE: I want him, or Kate wants him?

DAMON: Rolling!

FOXY: Excuse me. Did you ever use a needle?

EVIE: What?

FOXY: Did you ever patch a pair of jeans?

EVIE: I, um, I made the drapes in my apartment. Wait, hold on a second.

DAMON: _shuffling through script_. Not in the script, not in the script. . .

EVIE: No, I just have a question. I don't really know much about Kate, but didn't you say she's a fugitive?

JJ: A sexy fugitive.

EVIE: Then why does she have an apartment? With handmade drapes?

DAMON: Never mind. The audience doesn't know she's a fugitive yet, they'll buy anything said at this point. And. . .action!

FOXY: That's fantastic. Listen, do you have a second? I could use a little help here.

EVIE: Help with what? _Foxy turns around_. Oh, your make-up's running. I'll go get Cindy. . .

DAMON: Cut! _JJ starts cracking up_. Okay, Evangeleen

EVIE: Evangeline

DAMON: Right. Evangelyn

EVIE: Evangeline.

DAMON: Okay, Evie.

EVIE: Ooh, I like that!

DAMON: We really need to stick to the script here. You may not understand what some of the lines are there for, but believe me, our writers know what they're doing. . .

Writer's circle 

WRITER1: Oh, that's cool, there will be a ton of weird numbers.

WRITER2: What should they be?

WRITER3: 42 is answer to life, the universe, and everything.

WRITER1: Sweet, that's one.

WRITER2: I really like the Yankees.

WRITER1: And their jersey numbers can be the rest.

WRITER3: Okay, so what do the numbers do?

WRITER2: Well, they'll constantly recur through the show.

WRITER3: Okay. And what do they do?

WRITER1: Um. . .we'll figure that out later.

Back to shooting 

EVIE: Okay, I'm sorry. Let's keep going.

DAMON: And. . .action!

FOXY: Look, I'd do it myself, I'm a doctor, but I just can't reach it.

EVIE: You want me to sew that up?

FOXY: It's just like the drapes, same thing.

EVIE: No, with the drapes I used a sewing machine. This is ridiculous!

DAMON: Cut! What's ridiculous?

EVIE: I think there's a bigger difference between sewing human flesh and fabric than between using a machine or not.

_DAMON begins to cry. JJ puts a consoling arm around him._

_Later that day. . ._

DAMON: Hey, JJ, we've got a problem.

JJ: What?

DAMON: A lot of the actors aren't really in this episode. They're getting bored.

_They turn around to see JOSH, MALCOLM, HAROLD,TERRY and DOM playing poker._

JJ: So?

DAMON: They're ruining the ambience for those actually working.

JJ: Fine. I'll take care of it. _Wanders over to the game. Starts talking to the actors. Sits down and plays with them._

_Day Three of Shooting_

REDSHIRT1: It didn't sound like an animal, not exactly.

ROSE: That sound it made, I kept thinking there was something really familiar about it.

REDSHIRT2: Really? Where are you from?

ROSE: The Bronx.

REDSHIRT1: Hey! I have another line! Doesn't that mean I'm not a redshirt anymore?

DAMON: Cut!

JJ: Hmm. . .you're right. _Looks at the guys shirt_. You can be a blue shirt.

REDSHIRT1: No, seriously. I think my character should have a name.

DAMON: Your character? You're just an extra!

REDSHIRT1: Hey, I've had more lines than that guy _points at JOSH _and he gets a name!

REDSHIRT2: If you can call Sawyer a name.

REDSHIRT1: I want a name, too!

DAMON: Fine. What do you want your name to be.

REDSHIRT1: Well, based on the somewhat naive, yet still endearing characteristics of my character. . .the way he wants to help but doesn't make the Ateam. . .I would say Steve.

REDSHIRT2: Hey! No fair! I wanted to be Steve!

STEVE: Well, you can be Scott.

REDSHIRT2: Okay. Scott works for me. Nice to meet you, Steve.

STEVE: And nice to meet you, Scott.

DAMON: And. . .action!

STEVE: Might be monkeys. It's monkeys.

SCOTT: Technically, you know, we don't even know if we're on. . .

EVIE: You ready?

FOXY: Kate, you showed me where the smoke was. I can get there myself.

EVIE: I'm coming.

FOXY: Well, you're going to need better shoes.

_A very bored TERRY and JOSH are engaged in a fun game of stuffing food in their mouths. TERRY has an orange, while JOSH has miraculously managed a piece of cantalope._

JOSH: Mrph mherh.

TERRY: _spits out orange_. Maybe you should get a medic. _Starts walking down beach, and reinserts orange. Notices cameraman and smiles for the camera._

DAMON: Cut!

JJ: Why? There was brilliant! Hilarious!

DAMON: John Locke is not a hilarious character.

JJ: It stays.

DAMON: Hmph. Fine.

TERRY: Somebody should go look at that guy over there. . ._points to JOSH, who is staggering around, blue in the face_.

_Shoot to another jungle shot. While hiking to the next destination, DOM and EVIE engage in some light flirtation._

EVIE: Can I ask you something?

DOM: _noticing how hot Evie is_. Me? I'd be thrilled. I've been waiting.

EVIE: Have we ever met anywhere?

DOM: No, that would be unlikely. I look familiar though, right?

EVIE: Yeah. . .

DOM: Can't quite place it?

EVIE: No, I can't.

DOM: I think I know.

EVIE: You do?

DOM: Lord of the Rings. I'm a hobit.

JJ: Wait, that was brilliant!

DOM: Well, we worked really hard on it. Three years, you know.

JJ: No, that dialogue! We'll just tweak the end. Dom, can you sing?

DOM: Not very well. . .

JOSH: _wandering by_. I can sing. And I play guitar.

JJ: Great. Here. I need you to sing something.

DOM: Um. . .what?

JJ: I don't know. What are good words to a song?

DAMON: She loves me, yeah, yeah, yeah?

JJ: No. . .hm.. .hey, I know! This funny bit from TV. . .how did it go. . .You all everybody!

EVIE: That doesn't even make sense.

JJ: Sing it!

DOM: _In a falsetto_. You all everybody!

JJ: Perfect! Let's film it!

_Dark and rainy scene. Lots of hoses. EVIE and DOM are splashing happily._

DAMON: I have no idea how we can film them running.

JJ: Let me handle it. I'm a professional.

DAMON: So am I. . .

JJ: Okay, you three are going to run in place. Just wave your arms around and things. And our cameramen will shake the camera. It'll look real.

EVIE: This sounds so familiar. . .

Later 

EVIE: Where the hell's Jack?

CHARLIE: I don't know.

DAMON: I know! _Rubs hands deliciously. _He's dead.

EVIE: You see him?

DOM: Yeah, he pulled me up.

EVIE: Where is he?

DOM: I don't know.

EVIE: How can you not know?

DOM: We got separated. Look, I fell down. He came back for me. That things was. . .

EVIE: Did you see it?

DOM: No, no, it was right there. _Blah blah blah_

DOM: I hear you shout. I heard you shout Jack. I'm Charlie, by the way. _EVIE picks something up_. What is that? What is?

FOXY: It's the pilot.

DAMON: What? He's not dead?

JJ: Now, Damon, we agreed. . .

DAMON: No, you agreed! I still wanted him dead!

_Silence_.

FOXY: So. . .do I still have a job?


	4. Pilot 2

JJ: That was a great first ep, people, just dandy.

DAMON: Except for the whole not killing the pilot thing. . .

JJ: So let's see. . .how to start part two. . .how to start part two. . .

_MAGGIE walks by in a bikini. JOSH and JORGE follow, drooling. JJ begins to drool._

DAMON: Hey, man. Man. Let's focus here, okay?

EVIE: My hair is wet.

JJ: Let's start with her, sunbathing on the beach, the fuselage still burning in the background. What a dramatic shot!

DAMON: Yeah, just one problem. The audience doesn't know who she is!

MAGGIE: I could take off the top part.

JJ: Sold!

DAMON: No! Absolutely not! I put my foot down. You got to kill the pilot instead of the doctor. I get to choose this shot.

JJ: Fine. What do you want?

DAMON: We'll go back to our main three characters.

DOM: Yes! More screentime!

_DAMON hands a vaguely electronic looking thing to FOXY, along with a script._

FOXY: Why do I hold this?

DAMON: Because you're the hero.

FOXY: But isn't the doctor inept when it comes to electronics?

DAMON: No.

DOM: I'm great with electric things!

DAMON: Let's get start.

_Shooting_

EVIE: What were you doing in the bathroom?

DOM: I thought you could tell. I was getting sick. Puking. My one tangible contribution to the trek.

EVIE: No, I'm glad you came. Wait a second, is she just being nice, or is she honestly glad? Because if she's honestly glad, then I'm confused. I thought Kate liked the doctor?

DAMON: Keep rolling. We'll just edit that out.

DOM: Every trek needs a coward.

EVIE: You're not a coward, Charlie.

DOM: Wait. . .is he a coward? I thought he was a druggie. Is a coward his deep dark past?

DAMON: No, he's a druggie. Remember when we filmed that plane sequence?

_BEHIND THE SCENES FLASHBACK!_

FLIGHT ATTENDENT (henceforth known as CINDY: Can I get you some water?

CHARLIE: I'm fine, thank you. Please.

CINDY: Okay. . .

_Walks to back of plane. _So, Phil, who won last night, the Tigers or the Sox?

PHIL: Tigers. That keeps them number one in the division.

CINDY: Fantastic. Oh, by the way, I think the shrimpy Brit is a terrorist.

PHIL: I'll get him. Let's hurry.

_FLASHFORWARD_

CHARLIE: That's right. You're right, Damon, he's a druggie.

_Scene II, on the beach_

IAN: Hey, we're going through some clothes, sorting them. I see you found your bag. C'mon, you want to give us a hand? You look _great_ in that swimsuit, by the way.

MAGGIE: Thanks. You're not too bad yourself.

IAN: Yeah, well, I work out a lot, you know.

MAGGIE: I'd like to see that sometime.

IAN: Me working out?

MAGGIE: No, dipshit, the results of working out.

IAN: Dinner tomorrow?

DAMON: CUT! Stop the flirting, start the acting.

MAGGIE: What's that?

DAMON: What's what?

MAGGIE: Acting. I don't really know what I'm supposed to do.

DAMON: Act like a bitch! And. . .action!

MAGGIE: Not really. You're wasting your time. They're coming.

EMILIE: They're coming for my Baby! The Others!

JJ: Um. .Emilie, wrong script.

EMILIE: Oops. Sorry.

DAMON: What do you mean, the other scripts? The show hasn't even been approved.

JJ: I"m JJ Abrams. It will be approved.

_Still on the BEACH, closer to the water now._

YUNJIN: I can't do this script.

JJ: Why not?

YUNJIN: This woman. She's so submissive. Korean women aren't like that anymore. I don't want to misrepresent my culture.

JJ: Okay. . .how about if we let you unbutton one on that long-sleeved, extremely conservative shirt.

YUNJIN: I don't know. . .

JJ: In episode three we'll let you wear a tank top.

YUNJIN: Okay, I'm in!

HAROLD: Look, man, I'm really famous, and I don't have any screentime.

JJ: Okay, we'll make you a love interest for Kate.

HAROLD: Come on, man, she's already got Charlie and Jack. Do you really need more?

DAMON: Well, we were planning on Sayid. . .

HAROLD: No way.

JJ: Hey, Yunjin, do you want a love interest?

DAN: Isn't she married to me?

YUNJIN: _Thought process. Hmm. . .Daniel Dae Kim hot. Harold Perrinau hot. Sun want both. _Sounds like a plan!

_We're still on the BEACH, because the set designers haven't looked through the jungle well enough to find scenes yet._

DAMON: Hey, Josh, you're up.

JOSH: _Lounging on a piece of "rubble" eating an orange. _Huh?

DAMON: You've got lines.

JOSH: Lines? Me? Really? My very first lines! Yippee!

NAVEEN: Redneck hick.

JOSH: What did you call me? I am _so_ glad this script calls for me to pound your face in!

_JOSH and NAVEEN pounce on each other. _

JOSH: Fing Iraqi asshole!

NAVEEN: Fool! I have a British accent!

JOSH: That don't mean you ain't a terrorist!

NAVEEN: I"m Indian!

FOXY: Break it up. _Pulls Sawyer off. On the side._ Hey, I have a question. So, these guys are jumped up on adrenaline and really want to kill each other. Why am I able to just drag him off, and then in later episodes, three people can't stop me from jumping Locke?

JJ: Keep rolling.

NAVEEN: Tell everyone what you told me. Tell them that I crashed the plane. Go on, tell them.

JOSH: If the shoe fits, buddy!

_More fighting._

NAVEEN: I am much hotter than you!

JOSH: Dimples, asshole!

NAVEEN: Tall, dark, and handsome!

JOSH: Tall? You're more of a hobbit than Dom!

JJ: Wow, Josh is really on today.

DAMON: Who would have guessed he was such a good actor?

EVIE: Stop!

JJ: Too soft.

EVIE: Stop!

DAMON: Too Canadian. Try again.

EVIE: STOP!

JOSH: Is that little wimpy girl supposed to make us quit?

DAMON: Yes.

NAVEEN: That's all right with me. She's pretty hot.

JOSH: Agreed. Check out her tits.

NAVEEN: I prefer her ass.

EVIE: Excuse me. I'm right here.

JOSH: Yes you are, Freckles. And we're just enjoying the view.

JJ: Ooh, freckles, that's good. Someone write it down.

FOXY: Give it a break.

JOSH: Whatever you say, doc. You're the hero.

FOXY: Told you so.

JOSH: Dammit. I thought I was the hero. All Han Solo.

JJ: You are Han Solo, but Jack's Jesus.

FOXY: And Jesus trumps Han Solo.

JORGE: Maybe in your world. . .

_Even further down the BEACH. In fact, now we're in the WATER._

EVIE: Hm. Too bad all the guys on this show are married. Or dating.

YUNJIN: IN KOREAN: You're naked, and there are twenty horny men on this beach. Or did you not just notice Josh and Naveen?

EVIE: Hm. Good point. Oh, great, _now_ I notice the cameraman.

_Back on the NORMAL BEACH where people wear clothes._

DAMON: So your character is good with technology.

NAVEEN: Because he was a communications officer.

DAMON: Right.

NAVEEN: What exactly does a communications officer do/

DAMON: Torture people.

NAVEEN: Right. So. . .why am I good with technology?

DAMON: Tell you what. Just nod and smile, and we'll give you a hot girl.

NAVEEN: Evie?

EVIE: Is it working?

NAVEEN: Seems to be, but we're not getting a signal.

EVIE: Why are you trying to pick up a signal, aren't we supposed to be sending one?

NAVEEN: Yes, but what you want to see here is little bars. Bars mean we're getting reception.

EVIE: Oh. Like Cingular's five bars.

JJ: Cut, cut, cut!

DAMON: What, I thought it was a fine line.

JJ: Except that Kate _obviously_ uses Verizon!

NAVEEN: Seeing if we can get a signal from higher ground.

EVIE: How high?

SET DESIGNER1: Hey, check out that huge mountain.

SET DESIGNER2: Let's splice another one right next to it.

SET DESIGNER: So that there are two mountains? COOL!

New scene. We're on the BEACH, but now in a TENT! With FOXY and. . .SHRAPNEL 

EVIE: I'm going a hike.

FOXY: Without me?

EVIE: With Sayid.

FOXY: Great. Next thing I know you'll be getting caught in a net with another guy.

JJ: Take a note.

EVIE: Sayid fixed the transceiver, but we can't use it. Not from here.

FOXY: Kate, wait a minute.

EVIE: You said that we have to send out a signal.

FOXY: Look, you saw what that thing did to the pilot?

EVIE: What makes you think we're any safer here than in the jungle?

JJ: Are they safer on the beach?

DAMON: Do you know what the monster looks like?

JJ: No.

DAMON: Then they're safe on the beach, because that monster isn't coming into broad daylight.

CONFERENCE TIME! JJ and DAMON, chillin' with pina coladas 

DAMON: Okay, so somehow we need to get a bunch of people up that mountain.

JJ: Who?

DAMON: Kate and Sayid, easy. Someone who speaks French

JJ: Who speaks French?

DAMON: Shannon.

JJ: Why Shannon?

DAMON: Why not. If Shannon goes, Boone goes. . .

JJ: Sounds like a good group.

DAMON: Yeah . . .but let's put Charlie there, too. He's a famous hobbit. And Sawyer.

JJ: Why Sawyer?

DAMON: The whole shooting the polar bear thing?

JJ: Oh yeah. How do we get them all there?

DAMON: Hmmm. . .

Talking to the actors 

DAMON: So Boone tells you that you're useless.

MAGGIE: You think I'm useless, Ian?

IAN: No, I think you're hot.

DAMON: So Shannon decides to go on a hike to prove she's not useless.

MAGGIE: Where's the logic in that?

DAMON: Next conversation!

DOM: So why do I hike up the mountain again?

DAMON: Because Kate and Shannon are hot.

DOM: Makes sense to me.

JOSH: And why the hell would I go?

DAMON: Um. . .you're a complex guy.

JOSH: That don't explain nothing.

DAMON: Okay. We'll do a shot of you reading. . .this! _Hands him a page of script_.

JOSH: That don't explain nothing.

DAMON: Get emotional while reading it.

JOSH: Why?

DAMON: It will prove you have a kind soul.

JOSH: Why would I get emotional reading a page of script?

DAMON: Pretend it's a suicide note!

JOSH: Great. It might be. The suicide of my career.

Strolling away from the . . .gasp. . .BEACH! 

DAMON: Damn. It's going to take a long time to climb that mountain.

JJ: Let's fake climb it.

DAMON: How?

JJ: We'll use. . this pile of dirt!

_Actors begin climbing. JOSH pulls EVIE up beside him. MAGGIE can't climb the four foot pile of dirt. IAN gleefully touches her legs and looks up her shorts._

_Back to the BEACH_

Malcolm: Yeah, I know. We move a lot. She got sick. She died a few months ago.

TERRY: You're having a bad month.

MALCOLM: I guess.

TERRY: Backgammon. . .wait a second. Why am I telling this kid who just lost his mom and crashlanded on a deserted island how to play backgammon?

MALCOLM: Did they have dice and stuff?

TERRY: But their dice weren't made of plastic. They were made of bone. This guy is creepy.

DAMON: We all have our secrets.

TERRY: Was Locke secretly a child molester?

MALCOLM: Cool.

TERRY: Hey, Walt. Do you want to know a secret? I see dead people.

_More BEACH SHOTS!_

EMILIE: No, no, thank you.

JIN: IN KOREAN. Where is the bathroom? Thank you. I would like to order

EMILIE: That's okay. Thank you. Thanks.

DAN: IN KOREAN. Very pleased to meet you. What time is it?

EMILIE: Oh my God! My belly's slipping again! Dan, help me, my belly's slipping!

DAN: IN KOREAN. I need more practice.

_In the JUNGLE._

JJ: Time for a polar bear.

DAMON: WHAT?

JJ: Remember the kid was reading a polar bear comic book. Let's put one in.

DAMON: Look, JJ, I know we were planning on a polar bear, that the one they sent looks stupid.

CAMERAMAN: I can be a polar bear.

JJ: Well, what if we did it by computer?

CAMERAMAN: Rar. Big scary polar bear.

DAMON: I don't know. That would be a lot of work.

CAMERMAN: Look! I have polar bear chaps!

JJ: What if we do the polar bear jumping with computer?

CAMERAMAN: I'm a polar bear!

JJ: Fine. Let's let that guy be a polar bear.

_Shooting_

EVIE: Come on, let's move!

MAGGIE: I shouldn't have come on this hike!

IAN: I'll protect you!

JOSH: Cool. I found this prop in the box down at the beach. _Holds up a gun._

EVIE: Running, running, running. Wait, I have a line! Sawyer!

NAVEEN: Perfect opportunity to grab Evie around the waist! Score!

JOSH: Target practice. One. . .damn, missed. Two. . .three. . .shit. Four. . .five. Stop moving, you damn cameraman! Six. . . .seven. . .eight! Haha! Gotcha! NINE! DEAD!

_Back on the BEACH_

JJ: And then, Hurley. . .you faint.

JORGE: I can do that.

SHARPNEL GUY: Where does he faint?

JJ: on you. It will be hilarious!

SHRAPNEL GUY: Can I get a stunt double?

_In the Jungle_

NAVEEN: There's a button on the grip. Push that, it will eject the magazine. There's still a round in the chamber, hold the grip, pull the top part of the gun.

JOSH: I know your type.

EVIE: I'm not so sure.

JOSH: Yeah, I've been with girls like you.

EVIE: No girls exactly like me. I was in Showgirls.

JJ: Man, this chemistry is giving me the chills.

DAMON: Write in a love triangle?

JJ: What about Charlie?

DAMON: Nah, ther'es just no spark.

_EVIE and Dom making out against a tree._

JJ: Agreed. I just don't see it.

_At the top of the MOUNTAIN_

NAVEEN: The iterations. It's a distress all, a please for help, a mayday. If the count is right it's been playing over and over for 16 years.

IAN: Someone else was stranded here?

EVIE: Maybe they came for them?

JOSH: If someone came, why is it still playing?

DOM: Score! I got the last line! Better make it count!

Guys. . .where are we?

CAMERAMAN: Hmm. . Evie's prettier.

DOM: What the bollocks? I had the last line!

EVIE: But I had the last minute of screen time, tee hee!


End file.
